Jesus is kneeling under the olive trees on Holy Thursday night. This is the second scene in which He invites me to look upon the face of my Christ. Various sentiments are to be seen there and prayerfully pondered. There is a great fear, caused by the near approach of His sufferings; there is loathing and disgust as He looks upon sin; there is sadness and despondency as He remembers that, in spite of all His efforts, many men will remain obdurate in sin, perhaps even die in mortal sin and be lost to Him forever.
However, in my prayer today He would have me think, most of all, upon a sovereign remedy which He applies in this His hour of deep affliction. I see Him, presently, falling down on His knees and beginning to pour out His Sacred Heart in prayer. It is fair to surmise for He was a man, like us in everything except sin - that prayer at this moment is a big effort. Naturally He may be presumed to have wanted to get away, to escape before His enemies came, anyhow to distract His mind by keeping up conversation with His friends. He does none of these things, but, "being in an agony, He prays the longer." So, what He would have me read in the face of my Christ, at this part of my meditation, is His determination to persevere in prayer, at all costs, even when difficulties are multiplied.
The Holy Father never wearies of exhorting us to redouble our life of prayer, in view of the present worldwide upheaval. Prayer for the needs of the Church and for the salvation of souls is, of course, always essential, but there never was a period when these needs were more pressing. That is the first reason why the fervent Catholic, priest or layman, will constantly associate himself with that praying Christ, persevering there in prayer in Gethsemani, though He was in an agony all the while.
And when the turmoil is in our own spiritual lives? When temptation bothers us, when we are disappointed and chagrined and inclined to selfpity, when, naturally speaking, we feel nothing but disgust for prayer and the things of the spirit, what then? That is the very moment I can give God most glory. "Being in an agony, He prayed the longer."
I do not kneel to pray merely to experience sweetness and consolation; I do not want my prayer to be always begging for my own needs; it is real prayer when I kneel there in utter dryness, provided this dryness and disgust are not due to my own lack of generosity to God. If I ask myself at such a time why I stay on kneeling here when I might be at a movie or tucked comfortably in my bed or enjoying a game of cards, what is the answer? I remain here, when all that is natural in me longs to be away, because I want to prove to my Christ that I love Him.
St. Ignatius tells me that it is excellent to prolong my prayer at such a time of weariness. The inclination will be to curtail the prayer period; on the contrary, he would say, do not be satisfied with persevering merely for your allotted time, but add on five or ten minutes extra. Try this and you will often discover that a loving God will know how to reward you abundantly.
"When we arise from our prayer dissatisfied and distressed," writes Abbot Butler, "we may put ourselves four straight questions: Did I intend to pray? Did I try to pray? Did I want to pray? Am I sorry I did not pray better? If we can answer these four with an honest `yes.' then we may well believe that we have been praying, and probably praying very well." "An ounce of prayer in desolation," wrote St. Francis de Sales, "is of greater worth than a pound of prayer in consolation."
The determination on the face of my Christ, as He perseveres in His prayer, presently gives way to undaunted courage. I see Him rise from His knees, step out into the full moonlight, and stand there before His enemies, without any longer a trace of fear, in all the splendor of His divine bearing. They are overawed and fall to the ground before Him in hopeless confusion.
Enemies who hitherto seemed invincible, weariness of soul which we thought impossible to shake off, temptations that seemed irresistible - these things and many others like them, before which the soul quails, will, if we persevere in prayer, lose much of their terrors or attractions. A new confidence has been born in our heart as we rise from our knees and take up the fight once more.
Jesus, teach me to pray. Often when my prayer seems meaningless, often when I am violently attracted by sin or the world, may I come - here to Gethsemani to look upon You, persevering, for my encouragement and example, even when You were, crushed in agony.